Did I mention I was Canadian?

The Biggest Hater In The World

I came up with a written short series that costs nothing to shoot. It's made to look like one friend just pulled out his phone and started filming his other friend to show the world what a huge hater he is. It's meant to be the absolute cheapest, simplest, low maintenance, funny internet series I can possibly think of. Each episode would be a dissection of why this guy hates on different things.

Andre is pointing an iphone at Conrad. Conrad is on camera.

ANDRE
(voice off camera)

Yo. This is my friend Conrad, he's the biggest hater in the world. 

Conrad pulls out his phone and starts filming back at Andre

 ANDRE
Why are you filming this?

Cut to a shot from Conrad's perspective, Andre on camera.

CONRAD
(off camera)

For legal reasons. I don't trust you. I want my own copy of what's going on here.

ANDRE

(speaking to the audience)

 See what I am saying? Watch this.

Conrad, why do you hate my friend Rondell?

Andre's perspective.

CONRAD

Who's Rondell?

ANDRE

(off camera)

You met him a few times. He was at my house when you came over to watch the Raptors game.

CONRAD

I honestly don't know who Rondell is.

ANDRE

(off camera)

You told me you don't like him because of his jeans.

CONRAD

Oh that guy. Yeah. I don't like him. So?

ANDRE

(off camera)

You said it was because he wore those faded jeans.

CONRAD

It wasn't JUST those jeans.

He wore other jeans that pissed me off, he wore those jeans with the big red patches that other time.

Conrad's perspective.

ANDRE

So?

CONRAD

( off camera)

Why does he do that?

ANDRE

That's just his style, that's what he likes. 

CONRAD

(off camera)

Who needs to spice up their jeans that much? I don't like it.

ANDRE

You're the fashion police? If someone doesn't dress how you like then you hate them?

CONRAD

(off camera)

It's not only about his jeans. He did other stuff.

ANDRE

Like what?

CONRAD

He kept asking if he could have my Oh Henry bar.

ANDRE

(laughs)

Oh yeah.

Andre's perspective.

CONRAD

Remember that? I met up with you guys after the gym. I had an Oh Henry and he kept asking if he could have it.

ANDRE

(off camera)

I remember that. He only asked you twice though.

CONRAD

Why would he even ask me once? Obviously I bought it because I wanted it.

ANDRE

(off camera)

Yeah that was weird, you still don't hate someone over that though.

CONRAD

What kind of dick asks you for your chocolate bar?
I told him the first time "uhhhh no. I bought this for myself" and he still asked me again later.

ANDRE

(off camera)

And that's it, now you hate him?

CONRAD

The chocolate bar thing really did it.

Conrad's perspective.

ANDRE

Wow.

So now you legitimately hate this guy?

CONRAD

 With good reason. 

ANDRE

Because you don't like his jeans and because he asked you if he could have your chocolate bar.

CONRAD

(off camera)

A couple times he asked. It's not like I had a whole bunch of chocolate bars either, I had ONE in my hand. Screw him.

Andre's perspective, we end with the shot of Conrad with Andre's voice over.

ANDRE

That's my friend Conrad, biggest hater in the world. 

-END-

So each episode would be a discussion on why Conrad hates something, Conrad hates everything and everyone due to the smallest of infractions. 

I shall call this 'Jackie Chan Facing', it is the most important thing that I've ever done.

Cats or Komodo Dragons - Which Is The Better Housepet

CONT'D...

Previously

INT-Kitchen

Andre comes running into the kitchen.

ANDRE

Call the exterminator!

JEREMY

We don't need an exterminator for one mouse; just put some cheese down for it and it'll leave you alone.

ANDRE

What do you mean "leave me alone"?

JEREMY

I'll take care of it. I'll just leave some cheese out tonight.

ANDRE

And?

JEREMY

And he won't bother us. He just wants cheese.

ANDRE

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

GORDON

Jeremy do you think we're worried that we won't be able to like...live harmoniously with the mouse? 

JEREMY

Well we can just give him the cheese, then he gets what he wants and leaves.

GORDON

That's not how a mouse thinks!

JEREMY

He thinks about cheese. He's just trying to get our cheese, if we give him our cheese he'll think "I have all their cheese, now I can leave"

GORDON

No! He thinks "Oh boy! There's a lot of cheese in this house, I'll live here forever and start a family."

JEREMY

Well we'll find out. 

CONRAD

Benjamin confiscate the cheese.

BENJAMIN

I am on it.

Benjamin goes into the fridge and takes out the house's cheese, it's a large block of cheese. Benjamin guards it.

ANDRE

Don't feed rodents Jeremy, otherwise they never leave.

BENJAMIN

This is why I think we should have asked for a cat.

JEREMY

What would a cat do?

BENJAMIN

Uhhh...cats eat mice.

JEREMY
Cats don't care about mice.

BENJAMIN
Cats HATE mice!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

ANDRE
Cat's kill mice Jeremy. Everyone knows that.

CONRAD
You didn't watch cartoons growing up?

JEREMY
There was never any cartoon about mice...and cats.

GORDON
Oh my god!
Tom and Jerry
Itchy and Scratchy
So many others...

 JEREMY
Yeah but you never see them fighting. 

GORDON
THAT'S ALL THEY DO!

ANDRE
CATS ALWAYS GO AFTER MICE!

JEREMY
I don't think so.

GORDON
ARRRRRRRGGG!!!

JEREMY
Why do you care?

GORDON
It's ANNOYING. It's annoying that you don't know this. Babies know this.

ANDRE
Alright. Enough, we're getting a cat.

JEREMY
Why don't we just get a lizard?

GORDON
(loudly)
Because it's a lizard!

JEREMY
 We can get one that bites mice with poison though, cats don't have poison when they bite.

CONRAD
Ok lets vote on it. How many people think we should get a cat?

Everyone except Jeremy raises their hand

CONRAD

How many people think we should unleash a poisonous lizard in this house to run around and bite us with venom when we reach for the remote?

Jeremy raises his hand

CONRAD

and that's how we got a cat.

INT - LIVING ROOM

They have a cat.

-END-

Well that was stupid.