The Time The Ultimate Warrior Spat Decades Old Water In My Face

This, in case you were wondering; is an Ultimate Warrior squirt squeezer (or whatever it was actually called), which I probably got sometime in the ballpark of 1992. I found it again recently in my old garage, staring me right in the face. Upon picking it up I gave it a squeeze and stupidly jettisoned a powerful stream of water that was over two decades old into eyes and lips. It tasted platicy and gave me itchy eyes. 

TOP FIVE DINOSAURS OF ALL TIME

5. SPINOSAURUS

What can you do against this guy if he's chasing you trying to eat you? Poke him in the eye? Look how long that snout is. Just watch THIS scene where a Spinosaurus snaps the neck of a T-Rex like a trained assassin and judo master.




4. QUETZALCOATLUS

One time at African Lion Safari a giraffe stuck it's head into our car through my window. He just smashed his enormous head right into mine and nailed me with those fruity little things he calls horns. I can only imagine what would have happened if he had a giant beak and was a predatory bird.





3. ANCHICERATOPS

It's a hell of a thing when you have all your weapons on your face. Horns all over the place, a sharp shield like forehead and an out of place, squid-like beak. It's just weird. Who hits someone with his face?




2. STEGOSAURUS

Stabby rocks growing out of his back and a 'f**k off' tail full of spikes. This guy's ready to go if you want to make trouble. He's also got a beak and those creepy kinds of eyes that horses have.






1. ANKYLOSAURUS

This guy is like that Irish guy from Gangs of New York who carried around that big club that he used to smash people to pieces. I saw one of these up close at the Royal Ontario Museum, that tail looks like the hammer of Thor.

This Post May Offend - House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Cont'd

I am writing a script for a series about a bunch of guys under house arrest and their parole officer. This episode is about the parole officer intercepting a sexy email that contained a picture of one of the men's penis's and the investigation to find out who's it is.

The story so far. 

Cont'd...

Officer Karp enters the room from the outside, flinging away his cigarette. He sighs.

OFFICER KARP

When I took this job I thought I scored the sweetest gig in the department. I can be a probationary officer where all my responsibilities fall under one roof, no more driving all over the city to check in with you people. I thought I had it pretty good. But now here I am, about to give three grown men a penis inspection and I am left feeling pretty awful about myself and the decisions that led me here. Who wants to go first?

GORDON

Umm nobody.

OFFICER KARP

Gordon, thanks for volunteering. Benjamin you're next, then Conrad. We'll go into the other room, just let me print out a picture of the penis in question for comparison.

BENJAMIN

This is SICK!

OFFICER KARP

Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think anyone want's to see YOUR penis?

BENJAMIN

Why'd you say it like that? Mine's NORMAL! Don't listen to Gordon.

GORDON

 Everybody thinks your dick is weird. 
Andre do you think his dick is weird?

ANDRE
Yeah probably. 

 

OFFICER KARP

I am tired of hearing the word dick. Gordon let's get this over with.

GORDON

 What? You want me to just go in there and flash you?

OFFICER KARP

Just like a doctor's physical Gordon, there's nothing sexual about this.

GORDON

Yet this still feels like I am a call girl who has to show herself to some weird businessman. I am not touching myself.

OFFICER KARP

I DON'T WANT YOU TO!

Gordon reluctantly leaves into the other room with Officer Karp, Benjamin knows he's next and he's very stressed out at the idea. Conrad turns to Andre.

CONRAD

This is my chance. Keep Jeremy busy, I am going to go search his room.

Cont'd...

 I'd like to think I can wrap this up in only a few more scenes but by my count I have about 5 more scenes left. The next one is the hardest, I am supposed to make a scene where Conrad digs through Jeremy's creepy room to find his bug box and I have no idea how I am going to put that together.

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

I am working on a script. It's for a series of internet shorts about a bunch of guys living together who are each under house arrest.

I am pretty much freeballin' this first script. I've put no planning into the plot, I really don't know where it's going. I decided to write the first script about an investigation to determine which one of the men is guilty of using the house computer to put some dick pics onto the internet because dick pics are funny and I thought I could get some mileage out of it. Then I also introduced the idea of one of the crazier housemates keeping a box full of insects because...I don't know. I don't know how I am merging the two either. Anyway:

Previously

CONT'D...

In the living room Benjamin and Gordon are acutely aware that there's a meeting happening in the kitchen.

GORDON

I bet Conrad's still trying to convince everyone the dick pics aren't his.

BENJAMIN
You think it was him too?

GORDON
Karp said it was either him, you or me and I know it wasn't me. So...

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait, what makes you so sure I didn't do it?

GORDON
I just can't imagine you doing that. Showing off your dick.

BENJAMIN
I wouldn't.
But why do YOU think I wouldn't?

GORDON
You don't have a nice dick. I can tell.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean you can tell?

GORDON

You just have that kind of face.

CONT'D...

What am I doing? Seriously where am I going with this? A box full of bugs? I am kind of writing myself into a corner here.

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

Part 1, 2, 3, 4

CONT'D...

This picture represents the level of gravity I want this

scene to have.

INT-KITCHEN

Conrad and Andre are in the kitchen, Officer Karp is out back having a smoke, Benjamin and Gordon are in the living room, Jeremy is in the background looking closely at the walls, lifting up shoes, staring at the ground, digging around in every nook he comes across. Everyone is watching everyone else.

Andre is sitting at the table eating cereal, Conrad sits next to him. He speaks like someone who doesn't want to be heard by other ears, hiding behind the cereal box as best he can.

CONRAD

We need to talk.
What are your thoughts on what just went down in there?

ANDRE

I think you're the one who put a picture of his dick on the internet.

CONRAD

Wrong, I stopped doing that a while ago.

That's not what we need to talk about. 

ANDRE

Alright, what then?

CONRAD

This box of bugs. Can you believe we have something like that in play now?

ANDRE

I don't like bugs Conrad.

CONRAD

I don't like knowing that someone like Jeremy has a box FULL of bugs at his disposal. What if he wanted to weaponize this?

ANDRE

Is that what you'd do?

CONRAD

YES! and you'd be afraid to cross me. You could wake up one night to find me standing over you with a box full of spiders in my hand. We can't have a weapon like that in this house.

ANDRE

It's like the nuclear option. Just knowing he has that capability..

CONRAD
To cover you in bugs.

ANDRE
Yes. He's not someone I'd trust with that kind of power. With ANY kind of power. 

CONRAD

Then let's team up, lets find that box because you know those two can't be trusted with it. 
(pointing to Benjamin and Gordon in the living room)

GORDON
(voice from the living room)
Why you pointing at me? It wasn't my dick Conrad.

ANDRE

I am with you on one condition, we destroy the box of bugs when we find it.

CONRAD

Of course.

Conrad straightens up in his chair, as he comes out from behind the cereal box he was using for cover he's startled and horrified to find Jeremy sitting right beside him, clutching something in his hand. 

CONRAD

Gaahhh! What are you doing?

JEREMY

I caught a bug.

CONRAD

Eww, and you're holding it with your bare hands?

JEREMY

So? Its just a potato bug see?

Jeremy opens his palm right near Conrad's face.

CONRAD

Bah!

Conrad slaps away Jeremy's hand sending his bug flying onto Andre. Andre jumps up and screams.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He flails away in a panic.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHH!!

.........

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

.........

AHHHH!

.........

Wait. This is a raisin. 

CON'T...

Yeah I am still pretty much winging this, I have no destination for where this script is headed yet, all I know is that it's somewhere stupid.

-APE-

I am Turning This Jeremy Guy Into a Huge Weirdo. House Arrested - Pt. 4

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. All of your actions reflect on each other. When one of you posts your dick pics on the internet; all of you pay the price. 

BENJAMIN

You don't think installing security cameras is a bit extreme?

JEREMY

Yeah.

BENJAMIN

NO Jeremy.

GORDON 

Jeremy no! Don't come into this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy, do you have something you want to say?

ANDRE

Jeremy, go to your room!

JEREMY

I don't want people to watch what I do.

OFFICER KARP

and why not?

JEREMY

Because then they'll just ask questions.

OFFICER KARP
Questions?

JEREMY
They'll want to know why I am always in Benjamin's room. 

BENJAMIN
WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

JEREMY
I was looking for bugs.

BENJAMIN
Bugs?

JEREMY
To put with my other bugs. 

GORDON
OTHER BUGS?

CONRAD
Are you keeping bugs in this house?

JEREMY
Just in my box.

CONRAD
What box?

JEREMY
My box of bugs.

ANDRE
ARRRRRRRRGGGG!! What?

GORDON
You're keeping a box of bugs in this house?

 JEREMY
Obviously

OFFICER KARP
I think now's a good time to take a short recess. 

CONT'D...

I seriously have no idea where I am going with this yet.