The Time The Ultimate Warrior Spat Decades Old Water In My Face

This, in case you were wondering; is an Ultimate Warrior squirt squeezer (or whatever it was actually called), which I probably got sometime in the ballpark of 1992. I found it again recently in my old garage, staring me right in the face. Upon picking it up I gave it a squeeze and stupidly jettisoned a powerful stream of water that was over two decades old into eyes and lips. It tasted platicy and gave me itchy eyes. 

TOP FIVE DINOSAURS OF ALL TIME

5. SPINOSAURUS

What can you do against this guy if he's chasing you trying to eat you? Poke him in the eye? Look how long that snout is. Just watch THIS scene where a Spinosaurus snaps the neck of a T-Rex like a trained assassin and judo master.




4. QUETZALCOATLUS

One time at African Lion Safari a giraffe stuck it's head into our car through my window. He just smashed his enormous head right into mine and nailed me with those fruity little things he calls horns. I can only imagine what would have happened if he had a giant beak and was a predatory bird.





3. ANCHICERATOPS

It's a hell of a thing when you have all your weapons on your face. Horns all over the place, a sharp shield like forehead and an out of place, squid-like beak. It's just weird. Who hits someone with his face?




2. STEGOSAURUS

Stabby rocks growing out of his back and a 'f**k off' tail full of spikes. This guy's ready to go if you want to make trouble. He's also got a beak and those creepy kinds of eyes that horses have.






1. ANKYLOSAURUS

This guy is like that Irish guy from Gangs of New York who carried around that big club that he used to smash people to pieces. I saw one of these up close at the Royal Ontario Museum, that tail looks like the hammer of Thor.

This Post May Offend - House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Cont'd

I am writing a script for a series about a bunch of guys under house arrest and their parole officer. This episode is about the parole officer intercepting a sexy email that contained a picture of one of the men's penis's and the investigation to find out who's it is.

The story so far. 

Cont'd...

Officer Karp enters the room from the outside, flinging away his cigarette. He sighs.

OFFICER KARP

When I took this job I thought I scored the sweetest gig in the department. I can be a probationary officer where all my responsibilities fall under one roof, no more driving all over the city to check in with you people. I thought I had it pretty good. But now here I am, about to give three grown men a penis inspection and I am left feeling pretty awful about myself and the decisions that led me here. Who wants to go first?

GORDON

Umm nobody.

OFFICER KARP

Gordon, thanks for volunteering. Benjamin you're next, then Conrad. We'll go into the other room, just let me print out a picture of the penis in question for comparison.

BENJAMIN

This is SICK!

OFFICER KARP

Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think anyone want's to see YOUR penis?

BENJAMIN

Why'd you say it like that? Mine's NORMAL! Don't listen to Gordon.

GORDON

 Everybody thinks your dick is weird. 
Andre do you think his dick is weird?

ANDRE
Yeah probably. 

 

OFFICER KARP

I am tired of hearing the word dick. Gordon let's get this over with.

GORDON

 What? You want me to just go in there and flash you?

OFFICER KARP

Just like a doctor's physical Gordon, there's nothing sexual about this.

GORDON

Yet this still feels like I am a call girl who has to show herself to some weird businessman. I am not touching myself.

OFFICER KARP

I DON'T WANT YOU TO!

Gordon reluctantly leaves into the other room with Officer Karp, Benjamin knows he's next and he's very stressed out at the idea. Conrad turns to Andre.

CONRAD

This is my chance. Keep Jeremy busy, I am going to go search his room.

Cont'd...

 I'd like to think I can wrap this up in only a few more scenes but by my count I have about 5 more scenes left. The next one is the hardest, I am supposed to make a scene where Conrad digs through Jeremy's creepy room to find his bug box and I have no idea how I am going to put that together.

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

I am working on a script. It's for a series of internet shorts about a bunch of guys living together who are each under house arrest.

I am pretty much freeballin' this first script. I've put no planning into the plot, I really don't know where it's going. I decided to write the first script about an investigation to determine which one of the men is guilty of using the house computer to put some dick pics onto the internet because dick pics are funny and I thought I could get some mileage out of it. Then I also introduced the idea of one of the crazier housemates keeping a box full of insects because...I don't know. I don't know how I am merging the two either. Anyway:

Previously

CONT'D...

In the living room Benjamin and Gordon are acutely aware that there's a meeting happening in the kitchen.

GORDON

I bet Conrad's still trying to convince everyone the dick pics aren't his.

BENJAMIN
You think it was him too?

GORDON
Karp said it was either him, you or me and I know it wasn't me. So...

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait, what makes you so sure I didn't do it?

GORDON
I just can't imagine you doing that. Showing off your dick.

BENJAMIN
I wouldn't.
But why do YOU think I wouldn't?

GORDON
You don't have a nice dick. I can tell.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean you can tell?

GORDON

You just have that kind of face.

CONT'D...

What am I doing? Seriously where am I going with this? A box full of bugs? I am kind of writing myself into a corner here.

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

Part 1, 2, 3, 4

CONT'D...

This picture represents the level of gravity I want this

scene to have.

INT-KITCHEN

Conrad and Andre are in the kitchen, Officer Karp is out back having a smoke, Benjamin and Gordon are in the living room, Jeremy is in the background looking closely at the walls, lifting up shoes, staring at the ground, digging around in every nook he comes across. Everyone is watching everyone else.

Andre is sitting at the table eating cereal, Conrad sits next to him. He speaks like someone who doesn't want to be heard by other ears, hiding behind the cereal box as best he can.

CONRAD

We need to talk.
What are your thoughts on what just went down in there?

ANDRE

I think you're the one who put a picture of his dick on the internet.

CONRAD

Wrong, I stopped doing that a while ago.

That's not what we need to talk about. 

ANDRE

Alright, what then?

CONRAD

This box of bugs. Can you believe we have something like that in play now?

ANDRE

I don't like bugs Conrad.

CONRAD

I don't like knowing that someone like Jeremy has a box FULL of bugs at his disposal. What if he wanted to weaponize this?

ANDRE

Is that what you'd do?

CONRAD

YES! and you'd be afraid to cross me. You could wake up one night to find me standing over you with a box full of spiders in my hand. We can't have a weapon like that in this house.

ANDRE

It's like the nuclear option. Just knowing he has that capability..

CONRAD
To cover you in bugs.

ANDRE
Yes. He's not someone I'd trust with that kind of power. With ANY kind of power. 

CONRAD

Then let's team up, lets find that box because you know those two can't be trusted with it. 
(pointing to Benjamin and Gordon in the living room)

GORDON
(voice from the living room)
Why you pointing at me? It wasn't my dick Conrad.

ANDRE

I am with you on one condition, we destroy the box of bugs when we find it.

CONRAD

Of course.

Conrad straightens up in his chair, as he comes out from behind the cereal box he was using for cover he's startled and horrified to find Jeremy sitting right beside him, clutching something in his hand. 

CONRAD

Gaahhh! What are you doing?

JEREMY

I caught a bug.

CONRAD

Eww, and you're holding it with your bare hands?

JEREMY

So? Its just a potato bug see?

Jeremy opens his palm right near Conrad's face.

CONRAD

Bah!

Conrad slaps away Jeremy's hand sending his bug flying onto Andre. Andre jumps up and screams.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He flails away in a panic.

ANDRE

AHHHHHHHHH!!

.........

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

.........

AHHHH!

.........

Wait. This is a raisin. 

CON'T...

Yeah I am still pretty much winging this, I have no destination for where this script is headed yet, all I know is that it's somewhere stupid.

-APE-

I am Turning This Jeremy Guy Into a Huge Weirdo. House Arrested - Pt. 4

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

ANDRE

Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP

Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. All of your actions reflect on each other. When one of you posts your dick pics on the internet; all of you pay the price. 

BENJAMIN

You don't think installing security cameras is a bit extreme?

JEREMY

Yeah.

BENJAMIN

NO Jeremy.

GORDON 

Jeremy no! Don't come into this.

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy, do you have something you want to say?

ANDRE

Jeremy, go to your room!

JEREMY

I don't want people to watch what I do.

OFFICER KARP

and why not?

JEREMY

Because then they'll just ask questions.

OFFICER KARP
Questions?

JEREMY
They'll want to know why I am always in Benjamin's room. 

BENJAMIN
WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

JEREMY
I was looking for bugs.

BENJAMIN
Bugs?

JEREMY
To put with my other bugs. 

GORDON
OTHER BUGS?

CONRAD
Are you keeping bugs in this house?

JEREMY
Just in my box.

CONRAD
What box?

JEREMY
My box of bugs.

ANDRE
ARRRRRRRRGGGG!! What?

GORDON
You're keeping a box of bugs in this house?

 JEREMY
Obviously

OFFICER KARP
I think now's a good time to take a short recess. 

CONT'D...

I seriously have no idea where I am going with this yet.

House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Part 3.

CONT'D...

OFFICER KARP

Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access. 

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON

(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)

Shit just got real.

ANDRE

What was that?

GORDON

No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

OFFICER KARP

I am also going to recommend that we install security cameras in here.

CONRAD

This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP

That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

  

CONRAD

I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.  

CONT'D...

This Post May Offend - House Arrested: The Dick Pic - Part 2

I am continuing to piece together a pilot episode for a show I want to develop about a bunch of guys under house arrest, I am tailoring this to be an internet series so I am being a lot more liberal in my use of language and subject matter. Sorry if it offends. This is pretty much stream of thought writing, I don't really have this story plotted out yet so I am just coming up with it on the fly. I know where I want to get to.

CONT'D...

OFFICER KARP

Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis did not display the characteristics we're looking for. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN

This is a witch hunt! 

GORDON 
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit! 

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE

YES!

BENJAMIN

No, I am white and I am about seven inches.

CONRAD

Zero chance of that being true. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are? Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN

And what are you?

CONRAD

7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying. 

ANDRE

All of you are lying.

CONT'D...

A Script About a Bunch of Guys Under House Arrest...Being InvestigatedFor Lewd Picture Allegations...D**k Pics Basically

House Arrested: The show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp. 

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP

Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick and balls in an adult chatroom yesterday?

No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP

It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN

What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal? That sucks. 

OFFICER KARP

Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN

Yeah but I wasn't the only one using the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and I when went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't tattle.

 BENJAMIN
 You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN
I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.

Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP

 Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right on him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD

No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE

I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP

Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE

No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON

Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD

What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE

How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON

It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN

This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP

For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet. 

CONRAD

Don't ruin that.

ANDRE

Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this. 

OFFICER KARP

Jeremy?

Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.

OFFICER KARP

Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD

Stop involving him in things.

GORDON

It looked exactly how I thought it would.

CONT'D...

Eureka!!!! Dick Pics.

I've had for a while now a great idea for an ongoing comedy series that takes place in a house where everyone who lives there is under house arrest. The show is about those men and their parole officer and I've been struggling to come up with a really good plot for the pilot episode. I want it to jump off with something that's funny, big and attention grabbing and now I've finally got it.

Episode 1:

Officer Karp calls a tenants meeting to let the prisoners know that one of them has violated house protocol by leaving a picture of his dick on the house's computer. He intends to find out who's dick it is. 

Its Shakespearian isn't it? I start tomorrow.

Tom Starts Writing Another Show. This One's About A Bunch Of Psychos Under House Arrest.

I am going to start work on a new half hour show that I've been meaning to write for some time now. I've mentioned it before:

NOT staring Lindsay Lohan

House Arrested - A show that takes place in a house where all the tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest. The show revolves around 6 tenants all stuck in the house together and their parole officer Constable Benjamin Carp.

Simple right? I wanted to create a show that's cheap to shoot, uses one location that's easily controlled and at the same time is entertaining and opens itself up to the possibility for strange and exciting adventures. Fill a house with a bunch of uncontrolable, violent and unstable criminals all forced to live under one roof and you can make a show that's simple to shoot but always entertaining. Think of it as Big Brother meets Trailer Park Boys.

Like I always do, I am just going to dive right in and figure out character descriptions along the way. I just want to get writing this thing that's been stuck in my head for so long.

Here we go. House Arrested. Page 1.

What, you expect me to NOT use these pictures?

INT – KITCHEN TABLE.

Six convicts (one of them a large female) wearing ankle monitors and Officer Carp are seated around the kitchen table. There's a silence, all characters are staring at Jeremy with looks of shock and horror.

OFFICER CARP

As I was saying, despite all of that, Jeremy will be staying with us now and I expect all of you to make him feel welcome and help him learn the rules of the house. Calvin I am putting you in charge of showing him around.

CALVIN

Sorry...how many people did you say he killed?

JEREMY

It was only 6 people.

CALVIN

6 is a lot.

OFFICER CARP

Jeremy openly acknowledges his mistakes but he was a very young child when he committed those terrible crimes. He's lived a whole life since then and he's grown up, he hasn't had a repeat incident. Part of his rehabilitation is to integrate him back into a group setting, that's why he's going to be with us now. Indefinitely.

ANDRE

Sorry, how young was he when he killed six people?

JEREMY

Six

ANDRE

What, was it one person for every year you were alive?

Jeremy laughs to himself.

JEREMY

No. I couldn't kill anyone when I was a baby. I just killed them all at once when I was six.

CONRAD

What the hell? Why?

JEREMY

Someone told me to?

CONRAD

Who? Who told you to kill 6 people?

JEREMY

I don't know. I can only hear his voice, he talks to me inside my head.

CONRAD

You mean he USED to talk to you inside your head, right?

JEREMY

Sometimes he still tries to talk to me and he gets mad at me when I don't listen to him but I don't care. I just ignore him.

CONRAD

What does he say?

JEREMY

He just says things to try to make me angry, that's why I don't listen.

CONRAD

Why does he want to make you angry?

JEREMY

He wants to make me do terrible things.

CONRAD

I don't think Jeremy should be living here.

CONT'D...

The Killrazor Experiment: An experiment to see if I can get one of the coolest but most obscure characters in comic book history into the mainstream by teaching the internet about him.

KILLRAZOR!!!!

I want to introduce you guys to an obscure character from an obscure comic called Codename Strykeforce by Image Comics, he's got the sleekest costume, the coolest power and he never talks. His name is Killrazor and he can punch huge razors out of any part of his body, ANY part of his body. There's no limit to how many Razors he can pop out at a time; so does that make him cooler than Wolverine? Well...it's hard to ignore the math. My point is this...

THIS!

Yes. He's a ninja. Obviously, and like most ninja's he adheres to a strict code of silence. The man has only ever made a noise once in his life and it was after eating some very spicy food. That's not a joke either, I remember that being specifically stated in one of the issues. He never talks; so now all of a sudden he's like Snake Eyes from GI Joe if Snake Eyes could PUNCH HUGE RAZORS OUT OF ANY PART OF HIS BODY.

Here he is showing you all that he's cooler than this other 'claw' guy named Ripclaw (pffffffttt).

I remember that issue, Ripclaw was trying to impress KR with how long he can make his claws stretch. Without saying a word Killrazor says "F**k your claws" and "You're making as asshole out of yourself".

Killrazor

I'd tell you a lot more about his origin but it wasn't explored in depth, he has a wiki-page you can visit ( http://www.comicvine.com/killrazor/29-21927/) you'll notice it's lacking. He only made a handful of appearances but each one of them gave us picture that hits our eyes like a shot of whiskey hits our mouths.

One other area where he separates himself from Wolverine is that it hurts him to pop his Razors out, each time comes with a painful cost.

Really, what help were the neck Razors with those arrows?

The only thing uglier and more disgusting than his scarred up body is his gingery red hair.

Kill F'N Razor

-APE-

-END-

The Time a Bully Had Me Cornered In The Washroom and My Ballsy Escape.

So today I am going to re-post an article from a while back, it's one of my favorite life stories.

This story goes all the way back to when I was in grade 2. I am not sure how old that would make me but 6 feels about right, I was a tiny kid, chubby face, happy, unkempt hair, real pick-on-able. The kind of kid that this jackass we called Tommy Toomey loved to target. Tommey Toomey was our class's bully, he was several grades older than us and not very popular amongst kids his own age. He spent his recesses chasing down kids ten times smaller than him like a goddamn Tyrannosaurus and he got his nickname from a movie about kids who can jump into stamps and be transported to wherever/whenever the picture on the stamp is from. It was called 'Tommy Tricker and the Stamp Traveller' and as I look that up just now for the first time in about two decades I am smacked in the face with the fact that I am totally remembering his name wrong. Was it Tommy Tricker that we called him? It must have been. Ok, so anyway Tommy Tricker the little a**hole liked to beat me up.

 

I haven't seen it in a while but I am pretty sure

the little douche in the shades is Tommy Tricker
 

That's the set up for the most balsy, bravest, most hardcore thing I've ever done.

One day I found myself in the boys washroom, happily alone and having a pee. I finished up and because even back then I knew it was gross not to; I washed my hands and dried up. Before I could leave; the door opened and I heard the stupid voice of Tommy Tricker coming in, I froze. I didn't have time to hide and I knew the second he saw me he'd come after me. See, earlier in the day he was on top of my friend Mark, beating him up. I ran to the rescue and pushed him off, he promised revenge upon me and now here he was. Standing in front of me; blocking my only exit. He sneered at me and stomped towards me, he couldn't believe his luck. He made sure to let me know just how dead I was. Like...this was happening. I am a little kid, I have a bully coming at me who's about twice the size of me and I have no way out. To get to the door I knew I'd have to go through him; so as I was backing up a plan formed in my 6 year old mind. It's amazing, even as a little kid when your back's up against the wall like that you start thinking tactically. In that moment I was as Batman as I'd ever been and have ever been since.

The doors to the stalls swing outward, I formulated that if I could lure him into place I could grab a hold of the door and shotgun it into his ugly face before he could even react. It was my one shot, I had no chance taking him in a fist fight. AGAIN...I feel the need to point out that these were all actual thoughts I had at that moment. I was 6! I backed up, baiting in Tommy by asking for mercy, and begging him to leave me alone. That's like catnip to a bully, he kept coming. I SPECIFICALLY remember plotting out a plan that involved not looking at the door as I backed up, waiting for it to cross my peripheral vision before I made my move for fear of giving myself away.

Finally Tommy stepped into place, without turning my head I reached for the door. I played my part perfectly, Tommy had no chance to react. That door hit that kid so hard it knocked him right off his feet, I annihilated him. I ran. As I sprung forward the heap on the floor that used to be Tommy Tricker started screaming death threats at me. I could still hear them as I rounded the corner into my classroom to safety. I was 6!

File photo

The best part is that he never did get his revenge, he left school not long after.